On Redemption, Saying Sorry & Some Personal Forgiveness*
I have, from the time I was a young child, been acutely introspective and sensitive. I'm not saying that's a good thing or something everyone should aspire to, nor am I denigrating it. Its just a fact and very much a part of who I am. When I was a teenager my friends used to tell me, "Stop saying sorry!" because I said it a lot and it annoyed them.
Now I find, having recently turned 44, that as I look back on my life there are many things I'm not really happy with that are my own in/actions. And I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself. How could I possibly expect the 20 year old me to act like the 44 year old me would? So I'm working on self-forgiveness, etc. but at the same time I recognise and take responsibility that I haven't always acted in a way that I'm proud of. And for that, I am extremely, publicly, sorry.
I can't regret the decisions I've made as everything has brought me to where I am today, and I am very thankful for that. Equally, with the wisdom and peace I have now (lol, maybe not loads but loads compared to what I had before!), I wouldn't make some of those same decisions again. I'm also consciously aware that life shouldn't be picture perfect. A real life is messy, involves up and downs and (hopefully) a lot of growth. I've definitely had the space to have that.
In looking back and being embarrassed by my lack of maturity, I'm very, very grateful that my teenage years & 20s didn't unfold in front of a smart phone and social media. They do now. I hope we give every young adult the freedom to find out who s/he is, try different things and not judge them too harshly. Believe me, the past haunts us enough without social media images chronicling the awkward & early adult years.
So what am I going to do now? I'm going to try to not be too hard on myself. At the same time, and I need to say it, to anyone whom I have negatively affected either consciously or unconsciously through my own selfishmess/insecurities/immaturity...I take responsibility for my actions and am truly sorry. I hope life brings many good things your way.
And what am I going to do right now? Well, the garden is calling me, I have a lavender bush to move, the last summer seeds to sow and some bread to bake. But most importantly, spending time with the people I love. Peace and love. xx
*Note this. Accepting personal responsibility and working to be a 'good' person does not mean one has to put up with other people's bullsh*t. Being nice is not equal to being a doormat. You will know this type of person because they will always try to manipulate you by saying, "But I thought you were nice!" Don't fall for it. Being nice does not mean you have to spend one minute with people who are energy vampires and live off the emotions of others or always need to run others down. They won't like it but what others think of me is none of my business.